CHRISTMAS FROM HEAVEN

Well everyone, we survived through our first Christmas without Patrick. Can I tell you that I had a pretty good one? Patrick sent me so many angels to help me get through this very sad time. I went to Indy and spent a day with Patrick's Hawkins family and had a really good time. Anytime I can take a road trip with Megan, Denise, and Jack it is a fun time... On Christmas Eve, we attended mass at St. Peter's and it was absolutely beautiful. It was difficult for me because that is the church and mass that Todd and I took the children to each year, and it was another reminder that Patrick was celebrating Christmas with Jesus this year. I looked at Trey as he began to cry and it was all she wrote for me. Trey not only spent another Christmas without his dad but now had to deal with yet another loss. Trey is very sensitive and when he knows that my heart is broken it is very hard on him. I know it is on all of them but we all deal with it very differently. After church, we came back to my house and opened gifts and of course ate. The kids had a lot of fun and I had a lot of fun spoiling them. I love to spoil Megan too! This year was a weird Christmas not having all of my sisters, brother, parents and all of our families in this very small house. Heck, the parish hall would be small for our gang. I think it was almost easier on me that way because we had all looked forward to having Patrick witness our Christmas Eve Bash... I know he would have loved it, but I also believe that he was watching over Bobbi and praying for her recovery... Christmas day, I took the kids to Montgomery and spent the day with Denise and the Hawkins family and Delaney family. Well do you know how sometimes your sadness is temporary well that is how my happiness is. I sometimes have a day where the emptiness is bearable but then before you know it the void of your loss overwhelms you again. I am so jealous right now that God gets to talk to him and hold him. I am so hurt that he is not here with me. I know that he is having the most perfect Christmas ever but it still does not take the hurt away. This Christmas I gained a little sister and a great Mother in law. I have a wonderful family, four healthy children, and angel in heaven waiting on me... I hope that everyone had a blessed Christmas and that no matter how different your Christmas was be thankful that you had one...
On a good note Bobbi Sue gets stronger each day! Keep praying for her and her family....

98 DAYS!!!

Hey everyone~ well it has been 98 long days since the day Patrick left my house on his motorcycle never to return home. I figured with the Christmas season quickly approaching it would do me some good to get online and blog some. It is hard to imagine him not being here for Christmas. We had talked so much about how we were going to decorate the tree and had decided it would probably be best if he would just leave and let me do it. LOL He honestly didn't care as long as I only used clear lights. I was looking forward to having a family Christmas again and someone to share the wonderful holidays with. Instead this year, I have spent Christmas making sure that the grave blanket was put on and decorated and talking to Denise about things blowing off his grave. I go out to see him and it just makes me sick. It seems unfair that all of our dreams have been shattered by an accident. I feel like we were both cheated out of a great life full of happiness. I know that Patrick is now in heaven and has happiness beyond our imagination, but for those that were left behind it is a nightmare. The hole left in our hearts makes life sometimes unbearable. Sometimes I do not know how I would go on without my four wonderful children. It is always hectic but I truly enjoy every second of it. I look at them and think of how much they have lost throughout their short lives and how strong they are. They are truly an inspiration to me. Patrick would be so proud of his angels... Megan and Denise have been so wonderful to all of us throughout it all. They are and forever will be our family. On a good note, my sister was moved yesterday to a Rehabilitation Hospital to work on physical therapy and ween off of the trach. I know she is strong and with the continued prayers, I hope she is home really soon... Our family is not the same without her. So please God let her get well soon so she can straighten us all out.... Please continue to pray for all of us during a very difficult holiday season and remember to live your life with no regrets..
Thanks and I love all of you!
Tara

12 LONG WEEKS

Well twelve weeks ago, was when all the hope that we had was crushed by a doctors very harsh words... I look back and have problems remembering what I said to Patrick on that day or who all I talked to. I remember not wanting to leave his room, in fear of knowing that my time with Patrick's physical self was short. I wanted to be there for every second and hold his hand for every moment I could. I remember asking him how I was going to tell the kids that he was not coming home. I remember playing our song and laying there with my head on his chest thinking please baby just come back and begging God for a miracle. I knew deep down that God had already gave me my miracle and that Fletch had already fulfilled God's plan for him. All I kept hearing God say was, "Good job my son!". I knew as Megan reminded me shortly after the wreck was that Patrick was in a better place. He is free and happy. That is comforting but in my selfish thoughts I wanted him here so bad. I felt that we were being cheated out of the wonderful life that we were planning together. It was hard for me to understand why God took someone so positive but leaves so much bad in the world. I still like the rest of his family have good days and bad days but the thing that is consistent is that his memory will forever live within us. We love to sit and talk about him and remember all of the funny things he said and did. It seems like he has not been gone very long to some but to me I feel like he has been gone forever. I know that right now he is with my sister taking care of her and comforting her while she is sick. It is hard not to be selfish in this situation because you have lost someone so important that you almost become numb to the world. I have to go to Tyra, Brooke, and Megan's Games tonight. Well basketball season is here. Brooke plays on the JV at Loogootee. Megan plays on the Varsity at Barr-Reeve, and Tyra cheers for the 6th grade boys and girls. Will is playing 8th grade and Jayce is playing 6th grade. I would bet that it is going to be a very interesting and busy season. I hate that Patrick is not here to enjoy the games but I do not he has one of the best seats in the gym. Please continue to pray for my sister and her family... It is a tough time, and only prayer will help...
Thanks and God Bless,
Tara

Happy Birthday Bobbi Sue!

Today is my big sister Bobbi's birthday and as most of you know she is still in ICU @ Carmel and is very weak... Please continue to pray that the Lord gives her the strength to get better. We are still doing a dance of two steps forward and one step back. She is again on the ventillator because she was struggling to breathe. I just wanted to make note of her birthday and how blessed we are to have another one to celebrate with her... Keep her and all those who are sick in your prayers because sometimes prayer is all we have.
Thanks and God Bless
Tara

Bobbi Sue

Well I just read Nikki, Lacy, and Ashlye's blogs and if you do not know what is going on with my sister Bobbi just read their blogs for updates. Nikki just updated hers. We both read it trying to make sure that we didn't forget anyone, but with the emotional strain we are both under we are sure we have. It has been overwhelming and the lack of sleep has really caught up with us. We are so appreciative of Val and the hotel that she got for us so that we could get showers and rotate being with our sister. It has been a huge blessing for our mother because she needs rest. So many have sent food for our children and helped get them where they have needed to be. I need to thank Pat, Lacy, Helen, Trudy, and Hannah for helping out with my kids. Thanks to Megan and Denise for all of the support that you continue to give me and my family. I would truly not know what I would have done without you. Also, we need to thank all of you who have volunteered to watch our children. Your thoughtfulness means so much! It is one less worry knowing that our children are being so well taken care of. We both would like to thank Lacy for organizing meals for our families. She is an angel... Just like our sister Bobbi, Lacy is always thinking of everybody else. They are going to try again to take her off the vent tomorrow, but we do not know since she is running a fever again. Just pray that the Lord gives us all the strength to deal with whatever tomorrow brings. We will try to keep you updated when we can.
Thanks and God Bless- May you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!!

TIME

Have I told you how much I love Patrick and how unfair it is that he is not here anymore... The other day I was thinking of how Patrick would be so disappointed in how weak I am right now. Someone said that if the role was switched how do you think he would be. I have thought about this alot since she said that. Patrick would not be able to handle this. It is a hard position to be in when you are married in your heart but not on paper. He loved these kids like they were his own and if that were to ever be taken from him he would have lost it. I remember awhile back when we were leaving the court house and I was upset because again I did not have any closure. He looked at me and said Tara it doesn't matter what a piece of paper says it matters what is in your heart.. and in my heart you are already my wife. I took Trey to the dentist today. This was the first time I took him. Patrick usually took the kids for me. He looked up from the chair and said mommy I miss Fletch. I said you don't have to miss him he is here in your heart. When I got home, I got on the computer and looked on Patrick's facebook. How it said he was in a relationship, where Megan and I changed his profile picture, and how I had poked him to say I LOVE YOU BABY!!! It was then when I realized that everything stopped on September 10th... His time just stopped. He won't ever log on again, or send a text again, and he is not coming back. WHY??? I am tired of the saying Life ain't fair... I'm tired of hearing it will get easier... I am tired of my heart being broken... I remember when Patrick and I first started dating every night we played a question game. Where he would text a question and I would answer it and so on. One of our favorite things to do was to go slug hunting after the kids went to bed. Boy did we use alot of salt... Now I am just babbling so I will stop. LOL
Please pray for Bobbi, she is doing better but has a long road ahead... Patrick is so proud of her... Be strong big sis.

9 WEEKS

Well it has been nine weeks since Patrick pulled away from my house not knowing that was the last time he would wrap his arms around me and tell me that he loved me. How is that possible that in a matter of minutes someone can just be gone. I do not ever think that I will fully understand how life works or God's great plan, but I do know how blessed I was to have Patrick in my life. I miss him so much that I am just overwhelmed. I think more than anything I miss his laugh and voice. I call his voicemail when having a bad day just to hear him talk to me. I text him sometimes and just wait for the disappointment of the message being sent back a few weeks later to say message has failed. Sometimes I open my phone and see that I have a text from him and for a split second I am so happy but then realize his message has been sent back to me. I pull in the drive sometimes and see his truck and my heart melts. I go to bed at night and turn around to turn the hall light off and think for second that he is standing there but his isn't. I wake up in the morning and picture him leaning against the sink and having our morning talk before we wake up the kids. I just don't know how to live without him. I just feel like so much has been taken away. We had so many hopes and dreams... I knew that with him by my side their wasn't a mountain I couldn't climb. I received the most perfect gift and within a blink of the eye it was gone. It feels like forever since he has held me in his arms or woke me with a sweet kiss. I know that people deal with death and losing a loved on everyday and I am not the first or the last that has felt this emptiness inside. My only advise is to live with no regrets. Patrick and I did not have any. We loved everyday like it could be our last and the day he left me was the most perfect day ever. It was almost like we knew... I received peace at the hospital and peace at the funeral and I know that one day God will give me the peace I need to get over all of this hurt and emptiness but right now I do not think my mind is ready. In a way, I don't want to stop hurting or crying because then it will seem as if I am over it and I will never be over it. I want to wake up in eternity by Patrick giving me the biggest hug ever and telling me that my Heavenly Father has been waiting. I want to hear Patrick singing God's praises and smiling like he has never smiled before. I hear so many people say that he is watching over us but I have a hard time understanding that when he would be so hurt to see me, the kids, and his family and not be here with us. I know there is not any hurt or pain in heaven so how can he see all of it that is here? I guess right now I just have a lot of questions... but please do not take that as doubts... Well I better get to bed so I can try to get all of us to where we need to be in the morning...
Oh ya I failed to mention that Megan did an awesome job at State. I'm so proud of those girls.. I attended the banquet the night before and I will just say one thing Patrick would have NEVER sat through that for any amount of money. HA Lacy is doing great... and I'm so happy about that. PLEASE pray for my sister Bobbi she is having surgery tomorrow and will need everyone to pray for her and her family for the next couple of weeks. She is always doing something for everyone else, I'm glad she is doing this for herself and for Patrick.. He can't wait to see the swimsuit...
I'm going to end this with a short prayer:
Dear Heavenly Father I would like to take this time to pray for everyone who is reading this blog that you Lord bless them with your loving spirit and touch their lives like only you can Lord. Put your loving arms around all of our families, friends, and all those Lord who need our prayers and keep them close to you. Allow us to live our lives as you want us to and bless and keep each one of us all the days of our lives. In Jesus name I pray and ask this. AMEN!

Weekend Fun

Well everyone the girls did it... On Saturday, they proved Patrick's theory that this was Megan's year. Barr-Reeve is State Bound. I know they will do great. They are such a special group of girls and I love them dearly. Please continue to pray for these girls to do their best and for God to keep them healthy and strong.
This weekend was a lot of fun. Friday was very long with the kids Halloween parties and Trick or Treating. I went to a Halloween Party with my friend Desiree and had a blast. I remember standing there thinking wow Patrick would have loved this. I was surrounded by friends and the memories of him kept rushing through my head. I knew in my heart that he was glad that I was there and if he was still here he would have had a blast. I had a lot of fun but that night was very emotional because we had talked so much of the fun night we would have at the Hunt house taking the kids Trick or Treating. I hate knowing that we never had our first Halloween, Thanksgiving, or Christmas. I never got the name tag above my door that said Mrs. Delaney. I did not get to go to the Hawkins or Delaney family get-togethers. Instead, I got to meet most of his family in the ER the day he died. How is that fair? Why does God make this part of his wonderful plan. I am sorry, I do not see anything wonderful about. All I see and feel is pain and loneliness.
Saturday of course, Megan and her team won a Regional title and set the best record in Barr-Reeve volleyball history. After that I stopped in to see Dez and my two amigo friends at Red Bones Halloween party. I had fun getting to see mine and Patrick's friends. I was there only a couple of hours and went home to stay with my lil sis. Have you ever been with a bunch of people and it is like you are in a different world. I am starting to feel like I am surrounded by people but I am still alone. I know it sounds weird. I just feel so lost and empty.
Sunday, I spent most of the day crying. I believe I was just so exhausted that mind was weak.
Well today is Monday and there goes another weekend and here comes another week. Time goes on no matter how bad we want to go backwards or just not move. We do not have a choice.
Please keep in your prayers the Jim Miller family. My heart goes out to them and just breaks for them. We do not have any idea of what they are going through, but pray for them that the
lord will wrap his arms around them and give them peace through this sad time.
Thanks and God Bless
Tara

GO MEGAN

Well this week my little sis won a Sectional championship. It was something that was always talked about by Patrick and I... He always said that this was the year they would go to State and after that he was ready to become a Loogootee Lion. You see with supporting a team it was not about the school, it was about the kids that made the school. We were supporting the people we love. I know that he was there and supporting Megan and is so very proud of her. I knew that it would have been his weekend off and that we would be there together as a family. Even though it would be stressful we loved doing things as a family. As I watched Megan play tears ran down my facing knowing that again he was not here phycially like I want him to be. I spent the time between games hanging out with Fletch. It makes me so sad but I always leave our talks with a sense of peace. I think it is because I know that he knows how bad my heart hurts and how no matter how strong I pretend to be the tears that I cry daily never stop. It is like I tell him all my problems like I have always done and he wraps his arms around me and lets me know that it will be ok and that he is here with me. What's funny is that during Megan's talk at the pep session it finally hit me. It doesn't take a Sectional title to make me proud of Megan. I am so proud of the person she is. She is one of the sweetest, strongest, smartest, etc.. young lady that I have ever met. She is amazing as Fletch would say. I just wish he would be sitting beside me cheering her on. Throughout all of this Megan and her volleyball family have been amazing to me and my children. They have put a smile on my face without even knowing that they did. These girls like all of the surrounding volleyball teams have put their heart and soul into the game they love and we love to watch. I am just truly glad that this was the year that Megan and her team won, and I know that Patrick is too. Well we are off to Regional. I pray that God is with these girls and allows them to play to the best of their abilities. I know if they do that than nobody will stop them. Well talk to you later.
Love Tara

THE LORD HAS BLESSED US WITH PATRICK

Well another week has come and gone and I'm still here hanging on to everything I can. I have spent many hours on this computer just reading my blog over and over. It seems like now it was just a dream. It was a fairytale! Prince Charming is not here anymore he is sitting in heaven waiting for us to join him. The one thing that has been really weighing on my heart is how I have put all my faith and love in Patrick. I look back and think that instead of praising Patrick I should have been praising God for Patrick. The love that I have in my heart I know is the same love that God has for me. Sometimes in life we spend so much time loving our precious gifts instead of loving our Heavenly Father who has given these gifts to us. What hurts is that they are not for us to keep. They are given to us for a reason that we do not know but hopefully it brings us closer to God. I have looked so hard for happiness and peace, the kind that Patrick brought into my life, but I now know that it was God's way of saying that he can give me that love and peace but I must first rely on him to do it. He is the constant in my life. I have had many ups and downs and lots of joy and sadness and through it all God has been with me. I am dealing with the fact that when my world comes tumbling down I call upon him for help, but when life is going smoothly I just go through the motions. I know that Patrick is at peace now and happier than he ever could be on this earth but my sadness along with our families is still real. I know that neither Patrick or God wants us to hurt like this, so I continue to pray and ask for God's peace in all of our hearts. Through Patrick, God showed me what real love is. What it means to be unselfish, understanding, compassionate, loving, and easy going. Love does not hurt. He taught my children about patience, love, respect, and forgiveness. He taught all of us about family, and what it meant to be part of his family. He has brought so many people together and I want to praise the Lord for that blessing. I want to thank God for the short time he blessed all of us with Patrick and the many blessing that his short life gave all of us. We have to now take these blessings and carry them on throughout our lives no matter how short or long that may be and proclaim to everyone how wonderful our Heavenly Father is.

One Month

Well everyone, it has been a month and now at this point it feels like a decade. I guess the hardest part is that there is not a moment that goes by that reality does not hit that he is not here physically anymore. With my grandma, at Thanksgiving I always think wow she's not here, but with Fletch there is not a second that goes by that I am not confronted with it. He was such a major part of my life. He was my morning, lunch, supper, and bedtime. I can't even pretend he is at work because he would text me or sometimes just call to hear my voice. (and I loved every second) I felt like for the longest time that I was stuck in September 10th and time was not at all moving forward, but now I feel as though it has been forever since I have held his hand. We had such a perfect love and I think that is what hurts so bad. For those of you who did not get to spend time with us, Patrick loved me so much!!! When I say this I am not being rude or arrogant, he just truly worshiped the ground I walked on. He looked at me everyday like I was his world. He would even say that everyday he fell in love with me all over again. I never thought that anyone could love me and that nobody would accept all of the baggage that comes with me, but he did. He wanted to carry the baggage for me and spent everyday making me feel so special. During the hospital stay, funeral, etc... I heard really fun stories about Fletch and the person he was but in my mind I just kept thinking of how unfair it was that most of them did not get to see first hand the man he had become. He was not the funny guy from High school that everyone loved to be around. He was so much more! He was a son, brother, husband, dad, son in law, brother in law, uncle... He became the kind of man at 22 that most men never become with their own family. Our family was the most important thing to us. He would always thank me for giving him this family and I would make some silly joke like see you should have ran. LOL I have lost many people that I have loved but when you are as close as we were it feels as though your heart has been ripped out. I do have comfort with my faith but at times the emotions are so overwhelming. I have in the past months received so many signs from Fletch and I know he is still with me but he is not here the way I want him to be. I walk around and smile and put on my strong Tara face but inside I am so hurt. Some of you that have been following my blog will remember that I said that Fletch would always text at 12:00 am to tell me Happy Anniversary or Birthday etc... Well on the 9th I got a message from Josh around that time and believe me it was a sign from Fletch. I have so many of these stories and it scares some people but I love everyone of them. It is a daily reminder that he did not leave us and that he is still here. When we are united one day we will have a much better understanding. He told me he would love me forever and never let anyone hurt me again. I just did not know it would be from Heaven. Well I guess I wanted to write something in remembrance of the one month anniversary of losing my best friend, and the love of my life. He made such a wonderful impact on my four children. Everyday I look at them and see some way that he changed their life and I smile. Do not get me wrong I also get mad thinking God if he did this in such a short time what would he have been able to do if you would have let him stay. I feel blessed to have been able to find the perfect love but when it is gone it leaves such a void. To not be able feel his hand on my face, see that adorable smile, or hear him sing just hurts. I loved to listen to him sing... Well people keep saying that it gets easier but for me it seems to be the opposite. I guess we will just keep on praying. This week is going to busy we have Senior night on Thursday.. Go Megan... BR plays the Hatchets.
Please keep Lacy in your prayers...
Asia and her glued finger is home. I had to go with her and Carlye to ER on the 10th. She thinks she can cut her own apple. Well guess what she probably will not do that again! LOL
I love you all and I am finished rambling... Lol
Tara

TAGGED

6 Random Facts

1 The one thing that I look forward to in life is being a Grandma. I can not wait to rock them, watch them play, and love them and hopefully it will not be for a while but when it does I will be the best Grandma ever....
2. I am a romantic. I love to love... Believe me it hurts when you lose someone you love but I would rather love than never feel that wonderful feeling that love has.
3. I do not like chocolate. Not that I wont eat it but much rather have a nerds rope.
4. I have issues with wanting to save the world and finding the good in people who do not have a lot of it. That may sound like a good trait but it also consists of lots of stress, being used, and hurt. Patrick was definitely trying to get rid of that trait in me.
5. I love God, my children, family, and friends. I have been through some hard times but I have a huge support system and love them to death.
6. I am very laid back and this drives most crazy. I do not make decisions not even where I want to eat.

Well I do not know who to Tag but if you read this you are officially tagged. LOL

The Weekend

Well, you will be glad to hear that I had a pretty good weekend. It started with taking the day off on Friday because as you know I was planning to leave with Patrick for the weekend. I instead got the kids off to school, Tia and I went to St. John's to mass, and then I took Tia to preschool. I thought I would come back home and take a nap, but my mind would not let me. I headed to Washington to get my nails done and a famous pedicure. I painted my nails black because as most of you know I like them to be different. Without even asking, she put two hearts on my ring finger which made me smile. It took forever, and I can still see Fletch sitting in his truck waiting for me like he always did. He sometimes went to see Evan, or some friends from work, the motorcycle store, or even Wal-Mart to buy stuff on our list. I then, after two hours, grabbed the worst sandwich and headed to the nursing home Carlye works at to visit with her and the occupational therapy girls. We had a fun talk, and just being there was a little depressing, but it really makes you appreciate life. Carlye's truck had to be jumped because she left something on. Imagine that! I came home to a wonderful surprise... Leah Robinson made me a memory book with all of the pictures of Fletch and I. If you have not seen it, you should. It made my day and the kids loved it, so if Leah is reading this, thanks from the bottom of my heart. Lacy thanks for helping get her some of the pictures. You two are angels. On Saturday, I did the gymnastics and soccer thing and slowly worked my way to Hannah's bachelorette party. We missed the massages which sucked, but we met them at Los Bravos and played some fun games. Needless to say, we then had a blast on the scavenger hunt, Mr. Sanders, and on the truck ride. It kept my mind on the good, not focusing on what I have lost, but what I have. I woke up Sunday very sick, but went to the movies with my sisters Bobbi and Nikki and my best friend Carlye and her two sister Ashlye and Lacy. They are all like my sisters and I love them so much! We went to Jasper to see Night in Rodanthe. I know that is probably spelled wrong, but it was a great movie. Definitely a love story similar to mine and Fletch's. I think we could have made a better one. LOL I am seriously thinking about writing a book, it would be about my life, but I know people would think it was fiction. We had a great time. I missed Megan and Denise and our Sunday trip to church, but I know they understand and Patrick really was smiling down that I had taken a bath and got out. It turned out to be a good weekend and today is Tuesday and so far so good. Thanks for all the prayers, I know they helped... Please continue to pray for all of those who have left this world. They are in a better place, I know, but it is still good to pray for them. Plus you will receive graces for doing it. Well I have to go, I have an 11 year old going on 21 throwing a 2 year old fit. LOL
Thanks for reading and God Bless,
Tara

Almost California

Well as most of you know Patrick and I were planning on leaving tomorrow morning and fly out to California to see my cousin Josh which was his best friend. We were to board Delta in the morning at Indy at 6:00 a.m. It was going to be a weekend trip to relax and get away. Patrick said that I need not worry so much about the agenda of the trip but just try to focus on relaxing and not having any plans. He as I now know had big plans in store for me. He purchased my engagement ring only two days before his wreck. He told the girl from Zales that he planned to give it to me on the beach in San Diego. We had talked about how he would propose and getting married daily. It was something that we both looked forward to. He often joked because on Super Bowl weekend I was in California with Josh and sent Fletch a text asking him to marry me. He laughed and said no. I always told him that I was going to repay the gesture and sometimes I think he worried that I would. Now I will never know how it would have went, but I do know that like our relationship it would have been perfect. Patrick never did something half way he always went way beyond normal expectations. If you have seen my ring you will understand. Our relationship was not normal. It was something that most people dream of. The other night Denise cleaned out his truck and found a card that I had given to Patrick in May. It broke my heart to see it and have it given back. I know that he took what was written with him and know that he knew how much I loved him. The card was titled I Thank God for You- My heart will never take for granted the miracle of our love. I wrote Patrick, Just wanted to get you a card to let you know how thankful I am that you are in my life. You have been a blessing and I thank God for you everyday! I can't imagine my life without you, and I hope I never have to. You are an amazing man. The kind of guy that most women look their whole life for. I'm glad that you are mine and I will never take you for granted. Our love is beyond seeing and hearing it - it is felt from within. We will prove them wrong- by livin our love song. I love you Baby- Tara Well now I am having to imagine life without him because I am living it. If you have lost someone you are close to then you know that your heart actually hurts... I have looked for answers and there is not a good one I can come up with for why God took Patrick. I know that one day in heaven all this heartache will disappear as soon as I see Patrick's smiling face. Right now I just keep remembering that adorable smile he gave me with the cock of his head and smirk when he said I love you baby and put down his visor on his helmet. He was so happy! I guess that should give us some type of piece of mind that when he left this world he knew he was so loved and he was so happy. The rest of us are just left behind to deal with this because we don't have a choice... We do have each other and some great memories and hope faith and belief that we will all be together someday... Talk to you all soon. Probably alot this weekend. Please pray for peace. Love and God Bless...
Tara
P.S. There is good news my friend Amy Hasler Gilbert and her husband Mike are now the proud parents of an angel named Aubrey. She came 7 weeks early and was delivered in Evansville. She is small but doing well. Please keep them in your prayers. Amy does not like to sit still.
Leighton is home and doing well. I heard that Lacy is not feeling well now. So please pray for her. She herself is an angel..
Hope I got all the information straight because I am a little crazy right now. LOL But the moral of the story is God is great and prayer is strength...
Love you all...

Patrick's Voicemail

I have not been able to figure out how to post Patrick's voicemail here, so I have added the link below.

http://www.box.net/shared/o5j6m5j4kf

Also, I have added more songs to my playlist at the bottom. If you have time, check it out.

The pictures retrieved from Patrick's phone.

First Day Back

Well I went back to school today and I would be lying if I said it was easy. There were so many memories of him being there that I did not want to face the day because he wasn't there. I wake up in the morning sad because I want to hear him say Good morning beautiful and kiss me. I am sad when I go to sleep because he is not there to say good night baby. At lunch, I feel lost because he is not going to be there. I use to slip into the bedroom and just watch him sleep with my blanky. He always woke up with a smile and never forgot to ask how the first part of my day was and after school he always remembered to ask how the second part was. He was the kind of guy who did not forget the small things and they mattered to him. He text on my birthday and every month anniversary at 12:00 am to remind me. He made me feel like a million dollars and never asked for anything but love. Church yesterday was hard. Driving out to Whitfield I cried. I cried most of the way through mass and missed his hug during the sign of peace. I miss the way he rubbed my hand and touched my face. We did eat Los Bravos afterwards and truly enjoyed being with Megan, Denise, and his Aunt Donna. I just look at the kids and my heart breaks. God blessed us with the greatest man and he took him in a blink of an eye. Do not get me wrong I know that we are all gifts from above and we never know when we will be taken back home, but I have so much hurt right now I just can't put my mind around it. My heart is broken and it literally aches. The past two days have been horrible and it seems each day it gets harder so I guess I am just asking everyone who reads this to please pray for us that we will receive some type of peace through all of the heartache. Today ended on a good note. I went to Megan's game at Vincennes and they won. She did so awesome. I am proud of her and I know Patrick was just smiling. Especially since I went down with Denise and her three sisters. I wonder why Mike didn't ride down with all of us crazy women. Lol I think Patrick would have went by himself too. I love being around them for a moment I feel like he is with me but than I look over and he isn't. Well I have lost my best friend, the man who I not only loved but was in love with and gained an extended family and little sister. Until I see him again and I know I will, we all just need to hold on to one another and be thankful for what we have!!!! That's all for tonight.
Love and God Bless,
Tara

Trey and His Bike

Today Trey got the bike that Patrick had promised him. He was so happy and Trey even said he knew Fletch would not forget. It meant so much to him! Thanks to Mrs. Lawson, Ms. Sandra, Mrs. Wagoner, and Ms.Parker at Elementary West. I know that Fletch is smiling down because as we all know he was and forever will be a man of his word...
Tara

We're Missing You...

Thanks!!!!

I would like to thank everyone for all of their prayers, food, cards, flowers, help, and support during this hard time. Especially Patrick's two angel nurses Alicia and Deidree, his wonderful family, my wonderful family, and all of you who have been a part of our life. Each day is hard, and at times I do not know if I want to get out of bed, but that would be selfish of me to do to our families and four angels. I can't wait to live my life in eternity with him. Until then, we all have to rely on each other to get through. I can not even remember who all to thank, but believe me you are in my prayers and God will reward you for all that you have done. Thanks and God Bless,
Tara

1 CORINTHIANS 13

1 CORINTHIANS 13 Love is the Greatest
If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn't love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God's secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn't love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it, but if I didn't love others, I would have gained nothing.
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! But when full understanding comes, these partial things will become useless.
When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.
Three things will last forever- faith, hope, and love- and the greatest of these is love.
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I truly do not even know where to begin this blog. 1 Corinthians 13 is the best way that I can explain Patrick and my's relationship. It is and forever will be the kind of love that was pure and true. Looking back at 1 Corinthians 13 I before felt that it was outdated and not meant for people now a days. This is only how I felt before I met Patrick. Seven months ago I met the love of my life. The man that I could spend a hundred years with and each day would be as special as the first. Our relationship was not like others. We had so much in common. We loved our family, our Catholic faith, and the only thing we wanted out of life was love. We enjoyed being around our friends, and just by being around us they knew right away that our love was the real thing. It wasn't long into our relationship that we started talking about marriage and our wonderful life ahead. We never took one single day for granted and lived our life with the motto of NO Regrets!!! Fletch was my best friend and Patrick was the man I was in love with and forever will be... He taught me so much about life and how great it could be. He constantly reminded me that our past was important because it lead us to each other. We knew that we would be married on the beach in Hawaii and were so excited that we could hardly wait. I have to mention one of the most important parts of Patrick's life was his four angels. Tyra, Tanner, Trey, and Tia was the center of our life. We discussed having more children together but he was worried about my heart and assured me that loving these four children as his own was the only thing that mattered. He always said that I would be his baby. Patrick jumped in with both feet to the role of being a husband and father. He did not care what others said; he followed only his heart. He knew what he wanted and that was what he focused on. He spent his mornings coming home from work, taking a shower, and heading to his soon to be family. He fixed our breakfast and then woke us up. He took the kids to school, and of course Tia to pre-school or daycare. The first day of daycare, Tia had tears in her eyes and so did Patrick. He did not want to leave his princess. He slept for a few hours and anxiously picked her up. After school, he would eat and spend time helping with homework and talking about the day with all of us. Around 5:30 he would head back to Montgomery to get his food and go to work. He looked forward to days off when we could spend more time together. Everyday from 11:15-12:15, I would come from work and spend lunch with him. We were just like a family, but the one thing he would say is that he was so tired of dating. He wanted to give me his last name. On September 9th, he slept, went and got Megan's car, spent lunch with me and headed to Bloomington to take Tanner's two left feet shoes back to Footlocker. I was a little suspicious of why he went when he would have the weekend off and we could all go. I dismissed it though but in the back of my mind I knew he was going to look at the ring we picked out on the Internet. We were planning to leave Oct. 3-5 to San Diego, CA to see Josh and have a little alone time. He wanted to see the sun set in the West. He picked up Tia at 3:30spent two hours with us and headed off to work. Wednesday, September 10th was what I would say was a pretty usual morning. He did the same routine, I headed to work, and met him back at the house for lunch from 11:15-12:15 and back at around 3:30. We took Trey to get his shots in Shoals, and spent an hour by the pool watching the kids swim. When it was time to go, he always told the kids he loved them and to be good for me. He also said to go to bed early because he did not want to fight them to get up in the morning. This day was different though. He told them to come give him a hug. Tanner said he did not want to get him wet and to be careful. Patrick said he did not care to get wet and that he would be careful. Tyra jumped out of the pool and jumped into Patrick's arms soaking wet and wrapped her legs around him. They kissed and told each other they loved each other and as usual I walked him to the front of the house. Today he took my Cardinals hat off and grabbed his helmet inside. He told me that even though the day was stressful to take a deep breath and remember that he love me. We talked for about five or ten minutes holding each other and reminding one another how much we love each other. Trey hugged, kissed, and told him he loved him and vice versa. He also wanted Patrick to do a big wheelie and reminded him that he was good at school and that we were going to take him to get a new bike on Friday. Patrick said that he could not do the wheelie because he did not want to stress me anymore than I did. He told Trey how proud he was for getting his shots and that he could not wait to get him his bike. Trey said remember when I got my shot and you held me the lady asked if you were my dad. You are going to be my step dad right? Patrick asked do you want me to be and Trey said yes and hugged him. Patrick continue to hug and kiss me. He put his helmet on, got on his bike, and I kissed his helmet. He flipped up the visor and said you will be my wife. I said I know and that I love him. He said I love you too Baby and put his visor down. He then pulled out of the drive; not doing a wheelie. Trey watched him go down the road and then we both went in. I grabbed my phone and called my sister Bobbi. I then heard sirens. I had a sick feeling when Tyra and Tanner ran in and said that Fletch had wrecked. I did not want to believe it, but my heart hurt. I after calling him and getting his voicemail, I got in the vehicle following more cops and volunteer firefighters down Butcher Blvd. The road was blocked and I saw there was a wreck. A lady said it was a motorcycle and at that point I began to run up to the scene and was held back by many. At that point, my heart broke. I knew in my heart that it was not good, but as I told him many times I would never give up or leave him. The rest of the story is long and at this point my heart is too broken to blog about it. On September 10th my heart broke and on September 11th my heart died. I am so confused about how God gave me a miracle and then took him away. He was amazing. Anyone who knew him could not deny that. Right now I still feel that the kids and I are in denial. My only objective now is to follow through with what he would want. I am so thankful for his family and mine. They have been so supportive and full of unconditional love. Tomorrow is the viewing and like him I have tried to iron out every detail to make him and this day perfect like he would want. I know that it will be the single hardest moment of my life, but with God and our families I know all will be well. He is looking down on us now and watching over us until we meet again. He said he would always love and protect me and our family. I did not vision it like this, but just as in 1 Corinthians 13 the vision will be clear one day. I know that even though we are apart, he will continue to love and protect us. Well, that is all for now. Please keep us in your prayers. I will write more about Patrick and my dreams later. Thanks and God Bless...

Tanner's Birthday

Patrick & I surprised Tanner on his birthday by taking him to see John Cena/WWE in Evansville. Tanner thought we were going to Chuckie Cheese and the mall. He was
so surprised!:)

Thanks Patrick for Tanner's unforgettable 8th Birthday!

We love you!

Tia's 1st Day of Preschool

Here are a couple pictures and a video of Patrick and Mommy taking Tia to her first day of preschool!:)

Tia's 5th Birthday

Tia turned 5 years old on September 3rd. Patrick and I, along with our families enjoyed eating pizza, cake, swimming and opening presents. Below, Aunt Megan videotaped Patrick giving Tia her bike. If you listen, you can hear Trey asking for his bike, which is what Patrick planned on doing Friday after school.