Sunday, October 12, 2008

One Month

Well everyone, it has been a month and now at this point it feels like a decade. I guess the hardest part is that there is not a moment that goes by that reality does not hit that he is not here physically anymore. With my grandma, at Thanksgiving I always think wow she's not here, but with Fletch there is not a second that goes by that I am not confronted with it. He was such a major part of my life. He was my morning, lunch, supper, and bedtime. I can't even pretend he is at work because he would text me or sometimes just call to hear my voice. (and I loved every second) I felt like for the longest time that I was stuck in September 10th and time was not at all moving forward, but now I feel as though it has been forever since I have held his hand. We had such a perfect love and I think that is what hurts so bad. For those of you who did not get to spend time with us, Patrick loved me so much!!! When I say this I am not being rude or arrogant, he just truly worshiped the ground I walked on. He looked at me everyday like I was his world. He would even say that everyday he fell in love with me all over again. I never thought that anyone could love me and that nobody would accept all of the baggage that comes with me, but he did. He wanted to carry the baggage for me and spent everyday making me feel so special. During the hospital stay, funeral, etc... I heard really fun stories about Fletch and the person he was but in my mind I just kept thinking of how unfair it was that most of them did not get to see first hand the man he had become. He was not the funny guy from High school that everyone loved to be around. He was so much more! He was a son, brother, husband, dad, son in law, brother in law, uncle... He became the kind of man at 22 that most men never become with their own family. Our family was the most important thing to us. He would always thank me for giving him this family and I would make some silly joke like see you should have ran. LOL I have lost many people that I have loved but when you are as close as we were it feels as though your heart has been ripped out. I do have comfort with my faith but at times the emotions are so overwhelming. I have in the past months received so many signs from Fletch and I know he is still with me but he is not here the way I want him to be. I walk around and smile and put on my strong Tara face but inside I am so hurt. Some of you that have been following my blog will remember that I said that Fletch would always text at 12:00 am to tell me Happy Anniversary or Birthday etc... Well on the 9th I got a message from Josh around that time and believe me it was a sign from Fletch. I have so many of these stories and it scares some people but I love everyone of them. It is a daily reminder that he did not leave us and that he is still here. When we are united one day we will have a much better understanding. He told me he would love me forever and never let anyone hurt me again. I just did not know it would be from Heaven. Well I guess I wanted to write something in remembrance of the one month anniversary of losing my best friend, and the love of my life. He made such a wonderful impact on my four children. Everyday I look at them and see some way that he changed their life and I smile. Do not get me wrong I also get mad thinking God if he did this in such a short time what would he have been able to do if you would have let him stay. I feel blessed to have been able to find the perfect love but when it is gone it leaves such a void. To not be able feel his hand on my face, see that adorable smile, or hear him sing just hurts. I loved to listen to him sing... Well people keep saying that it gets easier but for me it seems to be the opposite. I guess we will just keep on praying. This week is going to busy we have Senior night on Thursday.. Go Megan... BR plays the Hatchets.
Please keep Lacy in your prayers...
Asia and her glued finger is home. I had to go with her and Carlye to ER on the 10th. She thinks she can cut her own apple. Well guess what she probably will not do that again! LOL
I love you all and I am finished rambling... Lol

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