GO MEGAN

Well this week my little sis won a Sectional championship. It was something that was always talked about by Patrick and I... He always said that this was the year they would go to State and after that he was ready to become a Loogootee Lion. You see with supporting a team it was not about the school, it was about the kids that made the school. We were supporting the people we love. I know that he was there and supporting Megan and is so very proud of her. I knew that it would have been his weekend off and that we would be there together as a family. Even though it would be stressful we loved doing things as a family. As I watched Megan play tears ran down my facing knowing that again he was not here phycially like I want him to be. I spent the time between games hanging out with Fletch. It makes me so sad but I always leave our talks with a sense of peace. I think it is because I know that he knows how bad my heart hurts and how no matter how strong I pretend to be the tears that I cry daily never stop. It is like I tell him all my problems like I have always done and he wraps his arms around me and lets me know that it will be ok and that he is here with me. What's funny is that during Megan's talk at the pep session it finally hit me. It doesn't take a Sectional title to make me proud of Megan. I am so proud of the person she is. She is one of the sweetest, strongest, smartest, etc.. young lady that I have ever met. She is amazing as Fletch would say. I just wish he would be sitting beside me cheering her on. Throughout all of this Megan and her volleyball family have been amazing to me and my children. They have put a smile on my face without even knowing that they did. These girls like all of the surrounding volleyball teams have put their heart and soul into the game they love and we love to watch. I am just truly glad that this was the year that Megan and her team won, and I know that Patrick is too. Well we are off to Regional. I pray that God is with these girls and allows them to play to the best of their abilities. I know if they do that than nobody will stop them. Well talk to you later.
Love Tara

THE LORD HAS BLESSED US WITH PATRICK

Well another week has come and gone and I'm still here hanging on to everything I can. I have spent many hours on this computer just reading my blog over and over. It seems like now it was just a dream. It was a fairytale! Prince Charming is not here anymore he is sitting in heaven waiting for us to join him. The one thing that has been really weighing on my heart is how I have put all my faith and love in Patrick. I look back and think that instead of praising Patrick I should have been praising God for Patrick. The love that I have in my heart I know is the same love that God has for me. Sometimes in life we spend so much time loving our precious gifts instead of loving our Heavenly Father who has given these gifts to us. What hurts is that they are not for us to keep. They are given to us for a reason that we do not know but hopefully it brings us closer to God. I have looked so hard for happiness and peace, the kind that Patrick brought into my life, but I now know that it was God's way of saying that he can give me that love and peace but I must first rely on him to do it. He is the constant in my life. I have had many ups and downs and lots of joy and sadness and through it all God has been with me. I am dealing with the fact that when my world comes tumbling down I call upon him for help, but when life is going smoothly I just go through the motions. I know that Patrick is at peace now and happier than he ever could be on this earth but my sadness along with our families is still real. I know that neither Patrick or God wants us to hurt like this, so I continue to pray and ask for God's peace in all of our hearts. Through Patrick, God showed me what real love is. What it means to be unselfish, understanding, compassionate, loving, and easy going. Love does not hurt. He taught my children about patience, love, respect, and forgiveness. He taught all of us about family, and what it meant to be part of his family. He has brought so many people together and I want to praise the Lord for that blessing. I want to thank God for the short time he blessed all of us with Patrick and the many blessing that his short life gave all of us. We have to now take these blessings and carry them on throughout our lives no matter how short or long that may be and proclaim to everyone how wonderful our Heavenly Father is.

One Month

Well everyone, it has been a month and now at this point it feels like a decade. I guess the hardest part is that there is not a moment that goes by that reality does not hit that he is not here physically anymore. With my grandma, at Thanksgiving I always think wow she's not here, but with Fletch there is not a second that goes by that I am not confronted with it. He was such a major part of my life. He was my morning, lunch, supper, and bedtime. I can't even pretend he is at work because he would text me or sometimes just call to hear my voice. (and I loved every second) I felt like for the longest time that I was stuck in September 10th and time was not at all moving forward, but now I feel as though it has been forever since I have held his hand. We had such a perfect love and I think that is what hurts so bad. For those of you who did not get to spend time with us, Patrick loved me so much!!! When I say this I am not being rude or arrogant, he just truly worshiped the ground I walked on. He looked at me everyday like I was his world. He would even say that everyday he fell in love with me all over again. I never thought that anyone could love me and that nobody would accept all of the baggage that comes with me, but he did. He wanted to carry the baggage for me and spent everyday making me feel so special. During the hospital stay, funeral, etc... I heard really fun stories about Fletch and the person he was but in my mind I just kept thinking of how unfair it was that most of them did not get to see first hand the man he had become. He was not the funny guy from High school that everyone loved to be around. He was so much more! He was a son, brother, husband, dad, son in law, brother in law, uncle... He became the kind of man at 22 that most men never become with their own family. Our family was the most important thing to us. He would always thank me for giving him this family and I would make some silly joke like see you should have ran. LOL I have lost many people that I have loved but when you are as close as we were it feels as though your heart has been ripped out. I do have comfort with my faith but at times the emotions are so overwhelming. I have in the past months received so many signs from Fletch and I know he is still with me but he is not here the way I want him to be. I walk around and smile and put on my strong Tara face but inside I am so hurt. Some of you that have been following my blog will remember that I said that Fletch would always text at 12:00 am to tell me Happy Anniversary or Birthday etc... Well on the 9th I got a message from Josh around that time and believe me it was a sign from Fletch. I have so many of these stories and it scares some people but I love everyone of them. It is a daily reminder that he did not leave us and that he is still here. When we are united one day we will have a much better understanding. He told me he would love me forever and never let anyone hurt me again. I just did not know it would be from Heaven. Well I guess I wanted to write something in remembrance of the one month anniversary of losing my best friend, and the love of my life. He made such a wonderful impact on my four children. Everyday I look at them and see some way that he changed their life and I smile. Do not get me wrong I also get mad thinking God if he did this in such a short time what would he have been able to do if you would have let him stay. I feel blessed to have been able to find the perfect love but when it is gone it leaves such a void. To not be able feel his hand on my face, see that adorable smile, or hear him sing just hurts. I loved to listen to him sing... Well people keep saying that it gets easier but for me it seems to be the opposite. I guess we will just keep on praying. This week is going to busy we have Senior night on Thursday.. Go Megan... BR plays the Hatchets.
Please keep Lacy in your prayers...
Asia and her glued finger is home. I had to go with her and Carlye to ER on the 10th. She thinks she can cut her own apple. Well guess what she probably will not do that again! LOL
I love you all and I am finished rambling... Lol
Tara

TAGGED

6 Random Facts

1 The one thing that I look forward to in life is being a Grandma. I can not wait to rock them, watch them play, and love them and hopefully it will not be for a while but when it does I will be the best Grandma ever....
2. I am a romantic. I love to love... Believe me it hurts when you lose someone you love but I would rather love than never feel that wonderful feeling that love has.
3. I do not like chocolate. Not that I wont eat it but much rather have a nerds rope.
4. I have issues with wanting to save the world and finding the good in people who do not have a lot of it. That may sound like a good trait but it also consists of lots of stress, being used, and hurt. Patrick was definitely trying to get rid of that trait in me.
5. I love God, my children, family, and friends. I have been through some hard times but I have a huge support system and love them to death.
6. I am very laid back and this drives most crazy. I do not make decisions not even where I want to eat.

Well I do not know who to Tag but if you read this you are officially tagged. LOL

The Weekend

Well, you will be glad to hear that I had a pretty good weekend. It started with taking the day off on Friday because as you know I was planning to leave with Patrick for the weekend. I instead got the kids off to school, Tia and I went to St. John's to mass, and then I took Tia to preschool. I thought I would come back home and take a nap, but my mind would not let me. I headed to Washington to get my nails done and a famous pedicure. I painted my nails black because as most of you know I like them to be different. Without even asking, she put two hearts on my ring finger which made me smile. It took forever, and I can still see Fletch sitting in his truck waiting for me like he always did. He sometimes went to see Evan, or some friends from work, the motorcycle store, or even Wal-Mart to buy stuff on our list. I then, after two hours, grabbed the worst sandwich and headed to the nursing home Carlye works at to visit with her and the occupational therapy girls. We had a fun talk, and just being there was a little depressing, but it really makes you appreciate life. Carlye's truck had to be jumped because she left something on. Imagine that! I came home to a wonderful surprise... Leah Robinson made me a memory book with all of the pictures of Fletch and I. If you have not seen it, you should. It made my day and the kids loved it, so if Leah is reading this, thanks from the bottom of my heart. Lacy thanks for helping get her some of the pictures. You two are angels. On Saturday, I did the gymnastics and soccer thing and slowly worked my way to Hannah's bachelorette party. We missed the massages which sucked, but we met them at Los Bravos and played some fun games. Needless to say, we then had a blast on the scavenger hunt, Mr. Sanders, and on the truck ride. It kept my mind on the good, not focusing on what I have lost, but what I have. I woke up Sunday very sick, but went to the movies with my sisters Bobbi and Nikki and my best friend Carlye and her two sister Ashlye and Lacy. They are all like my sisters and I love them so much! We went to Jasper to see Night in Rodanthe. I know that is probably spelled wrong, but it was a great movie. Definitely a love story similar to mine and Fletch's. I think we could have made a better one. LOL I am seriously thinking about writing a book, it would be about my life, but I know people would think it was fiction. We had a great time. I missed Megan and Denise and our Sunday trip to church, but I know they understand and Patrick really was smiling down that I had taken a bath and got out. It turned out to be a good weekend and today is Tuesday and so far so good. Thanks for all the prayers, I know they helped... Please continue to pray for all of those who have left this world. They are in a better place, I know, but it is still good to pray for them. Plus you will receive graces for doing it. Well I have to go, I have an 11 year old going on 21 throwing a 2 year old fit. LOL
Thanks for reading and God Bless,
Tara

Almost California

Well as most of you know Patrick and I were planning on leaving tomorrow morning and fly out to California to see my cousin Josh which was his best friend. We were to board Delta in the morning at Indy at 6:00 a.m. It was going to be a weekend trip to relax and get away. Patrick said that I need not worry so much about the agenda of the trip but just try to focus on relaxing and not having any plans. He as I now know had big plans in store for me. He purchased my engagement ring only two days before his wreck. He told the girl from Zales that he planned to give it to me on the beach in San Diego. We had talked about how he would propose and getting married daily. It was something that we both looked forward to. He often joked because on Super Bowl weekend I was in California with Josh and sent Fletch a text asking him to marry me. He laughed and said no. I always told him that I was going to repay the gesture and sometimes I think he worried that I would. Now I will never know how it would have went, but I do know that like our relationship it would have been perfect. Patrick never did something half way he always went way beyond normal expectations. If you have seen my ring you will understand. Our relationship was not normal. It was something that most people dream of. The other night Denise cleaned out his truck and found a card that I had given to Patrick in May. It broke my heart to see it and have it given back. I know that he took what was written with him and know that he knew how much I loved him. The card was titled I Thank God for You- My heart will never take for granted the miracle of our love. I wrote Patrick, Just wanted to get you a card to let you know how thankful I am that you are in my life. You have been a blessing and I thank God for you everyday! I can't imagine my life without you, and I hope I never have to. You are an amazing man. The kind of guy that most women look their whole life for. I'm glad that you are mine and I will never take you for granted. Our love is beyond seeing and hearing it - it is felt from within. We will prove them wrong- by livin our love song. I love you Baby- Tara Well now I am having to imagine life without him because I am living it. If you have lost someone you are close to then you know that your heart actually hurts... I have looked for answers and there is not a good one I can come up with for why God took Patrick. I know that one day in heaven all this heartache will disappear as soon as I see Patrick's smiling face. Right now I just keep remembering that adorable smile he gave me with the cock of his head and smirk when he said I love you baby and put down his visor on his helmet. He was so happy! I guess that should give us some type of piece of mind that when he left this world he knew he was so loved and he was so happy. The rest of us are just left behind to deal with this because we don't have a choice... We do have each other and some great memories and hope faith and belief that we will all be together someday... Talk to you all soon. Probably alot this weekend. Please pray for peace. Love and God Bless...
Tara
P.S. There is good news my friend Amy Hasler Gilbert and her husband Mike are now the proud parents of an angel named Aubrey. She came 7 weeks early and was delivered in Evansville. She is small but doing well. Please keep them in your prayers. Amy does not like to sit still.
Leighton is home and doing well. I heard that Lacy is not feeling well now. So please pray for her. She herself is an angel..
Hope I got all the information straight because I am a little crazy right now. LOL But the moral of the story is God is great and prayer is strength...
Love you all...