Wednesday, November 12, 2008

9 WEEKS

Well it has been nine weeks since Patrick pulled away from my house not knowing that was the last time he would wrap his arms around me and tell me that he loved me. How is that possible that in a matter of minutes someone can just be gone. I do not ever think that I will fully understand how life works or God's great plan, but I do know how blessed I was to have Patrick in my life. I miss him so much that I am just overwhelmed. I think more than anything I miss his laugh and voice. I call his voicemail when having a bad day just to hear him talk to me. I text him sometimes and just wait for the disappointment of the message being sent back a few weeks later to say message has failed. Sometimes I open my phone and see that I have a text from him and for a split second I am so happy but then realize his message has been sent back to me. I pull in the drive sometimes and see his truck and my heart melts. I go to bed at night and turn around to turn the hall light off and think for second that he is standing there but his isn't. I wake up in the morning and picture him leaning against the sink and having our morning talk before we wake up the kids. I just don't know how to live without him. I just feel like so much has been taken away. We had so many hopes and dreams... I knew that with him by my side their wasn't a mountain I couldn't climb. I received the most perfect gift and within a blink of the eye it was gone. It feels like forever since he has held me in his arms or woke me with a sweet kiss. I know that people deal with death and losing a loved on everyday and I am not the first or the last that has felt this emptiness inside. My only advise is to live with no regrets. Patrick and I did not have any. We loved everyday like it could be our last and the day he left me was the most perfect day ever. It was almost like we knew... I received peace at the hospital and peace at the funeral and I know that one day God will give me the peace I need to get over all of this hurt and emptiness but right now I do not think my mind is ready. In a way, I don't want to stop hurting or crying because then it will seem as if I am over it and I will never be over it. I want to wake up in eternity by Patrick giving me the biggest hug ever and telling me that my Heavenly Father has been waiting. I want to hear Patrick singing God's praises and smiling like he has never smiled before. I hear so many people say that he is watching over us but I have a hard time understanding that when he would be so hurt to see me, the kids, and his family and not be here with us. I know there is not any hurt or pain in heaven so how can he see all of it that is here? I guess right now I just have a lot of questions... but please do not take that as doubts... Well I better get to bed so I can try to get all of us to where we need to be in the morning...
Oh ya I failed to mention that Megan did an awesome job at State. I'm so proud of those girls.. I attended the banquet the night before and I will just say one thing Patrick would have NEVER sat through that for any amount of money. HA Lacy is doing great... and I'm so happy about that. PLEASE pray for my sister Bobbi she is having surgery tomorrow and will need everyone to pray for her and her family for the next couple of weeks. She is always doing something for everyone else, I'm glad she is doing this for herself and for Patrick.. He can't wait to see the swimsuit...
I'm going to end this with a short prayer:
Dear Heavenly Father I would like to take this time to pray for everyone who is reading this blog that you Lord bless them with your loving spirit and touch their lives like only you can Lord. Put your loving arms around all of our families, friends, and all those Lord who need our prayers and keep them close to you. Allow us to live our lives as you want us to and bless and keep each one of us all the days of our lives. In Jesus name I pray and ask this. AMEN!

4 comments:

Misty McKibben-Melvin said...

I can only imagine what you are going through Tara. I cannot imagine losing Chris out of my life so suddenly. He is my husband, the father of my children and my best friend. I do not know how you do it. They say God has a plan, but really....you can only listen to that so much. Go through your emotions of mad, sad, angry, etc!! I have been praying for you and keeping all of your family in my thoughts and prayers daily. Somehow you are drawing your strength from the Lord and your Family. Hang in there and know there are those out there who do not know you so well....who are praying you get through this and once again find happiness for YOU and your KIDDOS! ~~ Misty

Desiree' Knepp said...

I love you, and know that you're always in my prayers!!! :-)

Leah Robinson said...

Tara,
You are in my prayers daily! Many of us cannot imagine what you are going through right now! But you are an inspiration to us; that no matter what comes your way, be strong and trust Him!

Anonymous said...

I just want you to know how much I love you and your family. I wish there was something I could do to take your pain away and help you understand all of it. You guys are ALWAYS in our thoughts and prayers and I would do anything for you. I love you!!!

Perfect Love