CHRISTMAS FROM HEAVEN

Well everyone, we survived through our first Christmas without Patrick. Can I tell you that I had a pretty good one? Patrick sent me so many angels to help me get through this very sad time. I went to Indy and spent a day with Patrick's Hawkins family and had a really good time. Anytime I can take a road trip with Megan, Denise, and Jack it is a fun time... On Christmas Eve, we attended mass at St. Peter's and it was absolutely beautiful. It was difficult for me because that is the church and mass that Todd and I took the children to each year, and it was another reminder that Patrick was celebrating Christmas with Jesus this year. I looked at Trey as he began to cry and it was all she wrote for me. Trey not only spent another Christmas without his dad but now had to deal with yet another loss. Trey is very sensitive and when he knows that my heart is broken it is very hard on him. I know it is on all of them but we all deal with it very differently. After church, we came back to my house and opened gifts and of course ate. The kids had a lot of fun and I had a lot of fun spoiling them. I love to spoil Megan too! This year was a weird Christmas not having all of my sisters, brother, parents and all of our families in this very small house. Heck, the parish hall would be small for our gang. I think it was almost easier on me that way because we had all looked forward to having Patrick witness our Christmas Eve Bash... I know he would have loved it, but I also believe that he was watching over Bobbi and praying for her recovery... Christmas day, I took the kids to Montgomery and spent the day with Denise and the Hawkins family and Delaney family. Well do you know how sometimes your sadness is temporary well that is how my happiness is. I sometimes have a day where the emptiness is bearable but then before you know it the void of your loss overwhelms you again. I am so jealous right now that God gets to talk to him and hold him. I am so hurt that he is not here with me. I know that he is having the most perfect Christmas ever but it still does not take the hurt away. This Christmas I gained a little sister and a great Mother in law. I have a wonderful family, four healthy children, and angel in heaven waiting on me... I hope that everyone had a blessed Christmas and that no matter how different your Christmas was be thankful that you had one...
On a good note Bobbi Sue gets stronger each day! Keep praying for her and her family....

98 DAYS!!!

Hey everyone~ well it has been 98 long days since the day Patrick left my house on his motorcycle never to return home. I figured with the Christmas season quickly approaching it would do me some good to get online and blog some. It is hard to imagine him not being here for Christmas. We had talked so much about how we were going to decorate the tree and had decided it would probably be best if he would just leave and let me do it. LOL He honestly didn't care as long as I only used clear lights. I was looking forward to having a family Christmas again and someone to share the wonderful holidays with. Instead this year, I have spent Christmas making sure that the grave blanket was put on and decorated and talking to Denise about things blowing off his grave. I go out to see him and it just makes me sick. It seems unfair that all of our dreams have been shattered by an accident. I feel like we were both cheated out of a great life full of happiness. I know that Patrick is now in heaven and has happiness beyond our imagination, but for those that were left behind it is a nightmare. The hole left in our hearts makes life sometimes unbearable. Sometimes I do not know how I would go on without my four wonderful children. It is always hectic but I truly enjoy every second of it. I look at them and think of how much they have lost throughout their short lives and how strong they are. They are truly an inspiration to me. Patrick would be so proud of his angels... Megan and Denise have been so wonderful to all of us throughout it all. They are and forever will be our family. On a good note, my sister was moved yesterday to a Rehabilitation Hospital to work on physical therapy and ween off of the trach. I know she is strong and with the continued prayers, I hope she is home really soon... Our family is not the same without her. So please God let her get well soon so she can straighten us all out.... Please continue to pray for all of us during a very difficult holiday season and remember to live your life with no regrets..
Thanks and I love all of you!
Tara

12 LONG WEEKS

Well twelve weeks ago, was when all the hope that we had was crushed by a doctors very harsh words... I look back and have problems remembering what I said to Patrick on that day or who all I talked to. I remember not wanting to leave his room, in fear of knowing that my time with Patrick's physical self was short. I wanted to be there for every second and hold his hand for every moment I could. I remember asking him how I was going to tell the kids that he was not coming home. I remember playing our song and laying there with my head on his chest thinking please baby just come back and begging God for a miracle. I knew deep down that God had already gave me my miracle and that Fletch had already fulfilled God's plan for him. All I kept hearing God say was, "Good job my son!". I knew as Megan reminded me shortly after the wreck was that Patrick was in a better place. He is free and happy. That is comforting but in my selfish thoughts I wanted him here so bad. I felt that we were being cheated out of the wonderful life that we were planning together. It was hard for me to understand why God took someone so positive but leaves so much bad in the world. I still like the rest of his family have good days and bad days but the thing that is consistent is that his memory will forever live within us. We love to sit and talk about him and remember all of the funny things he said and did. It seems like he has not been gone very long to some but to me I feel like he has been gone forever. I know that right now he is with my sister taking care of her and comforting her while she is sick. It is hard not to be selfish in this situation because you have lost someone so important that you almost become numb to the world. I have to go to Tyra, Brooke, and Megan's Games tonight. Well basketball season is here. Brooke plays on the JV at Loogootee. Megan plays on the Varsity at Barr-Reeve, and Tyra cheers for the 6th grade boys and girls. Will is playing 8th grade and Jayce is playing 6th grade. I would bet that it is going to be a very interesting and busy season. I hate that Patrick is not here to enjoy the games but I do not he has one of the best seats in the gym. Please continue to pray for my sister and her family... It is a tough time, and only prayer will help...
Thanks and God Bless,
Tara

Happy Birthday Bobbi Sue!

Today is my big sister Bobbi's birthday and as most of you know she is still in ICU @ Carmel and is very weak... Please continue to pray that the Lord gives her the strength to get better. We are still doing a dance of two steps forward and one step back. She is again on the ventillator because she was struggling to breathe. I just wanted to make note of her birthday and how blessed we are to have another one to celebrate with her... Keep her and all those who are sick in your prayers because sometimes prayer is all we have.
Thanks and God Bless
Tara