Sunday, January 11, 2009


Hello 2009~ I spent New Year's Eve with Megan and the kids and sadly I must admit we were fast asleep by 12:30. The one thing that I did realize was that I spent the last day of 2008 and the first day of 2009 with the people who truly care about me and love me. New Year's has always been a night to celebrate with your friends. With Patrick gone, I truly felt all alone. I know that I was not alone, but it is just not the same when you don't have anyone to celebrate life with. My friends all have their own families and own life and it is not that they don't care but you reach a certain point in your life where you have other obligations. It is hard to do things with people when they have no idea of what you are going through and without knowing it they break your heart. I sit and look at my sisters and their families and it makes me sad. That is what I have wanted my whole life is a family. I don't want money or anything that money can buy. I want the thing that no amount of money can buy. I don't mind having a life of chaos but it is just so sad when you have nobody to share the moments with. The kids will still do something silly and I will pick up the phone to call Patrick. Every once in awhile I will leave him a voicemail just because I feel like I am talking to him. I wonder at times, if he sees us. If he is watching us from heaven. I know that when I am sitting alone and the tears roll down my face that I don't think God would let him see me hurt that way. If he was watching, it would break his heart not to be with us. Each day he is gone, it is more evident of what a wonderful man he was. He was so selfless and pure. He did not give into to the world he followed his heart. He was a true Christian. He did not have to talk the talk because he walked the walk. My goal is to be more like him, to give each day and love each day and to live life to the fullest. It was sad to see a year gone and a new year start without him. I do know that 2008 even with all of the heartache was an awesome year. I met and fell in love with the most amazing man. The kind of guy who you only dream of. He made my life and everyone in his life a better place. I just wish that God would somehow fill the void left in my life and in my heart. Don't get me wrong, I truly enjoyed my New Year time with Megan and the kids. It was just heartbreaking knowing that again my dreams had been crushed. I have so much to look forward to and have been blessed by God in so many ways but I just don't know what direction I need to go in. I am overwhelmed by trying to figure out what I need to do with my life. Obviously, life has in no way turned out like I had planned, and trying to figure out God's plan for me is stressful at times. I pray daily and ask him for his guidance in every decision that I make, but I am not a very patient person. I don't know how I would make it without the angels that God has sent me during this difficult time. Denise and Megan make sure each day that I am up and moving and continually remind me of Patrick and our love for one another. Ryan is the angel that I can talk to about anything. His faith, love, and understanding has been a huge blessing. My four kids, are the reason that I wake up every morning and praise the Lord for his blessing. Dez, Rachel, and Hawk drug me out of this house even when I did not want to get out of bed. Carlye will sit on the phone with me for hours even when I know she has a million things to do. My parents, sisters, and brother just put up with all of my crap. (which is very stressful) I will be forever thankful for all of these people that Patrick has brought into my life. I know that they were sent to me for a reason. So many people have given me advice about what I should do or what I have done wrong in the past but this time I am going to be like Patrick and follow my heart because your heart doesn't lie. I hope that everyone has a blessed New Year and that we follow the path that God intends for each one of us... I continue to give God all Glory, Honor, and Praise as I continue this journey here on Earth.
God Bless and I love all of you!

1 comment:

Desiree' Knepp said...

I love you reading your blogs, but they always make me tear up lol...i miss you! and i am so glad we have got to hang out this past year! this year will bring so much more and you know im here, and i am always a phone call away! we need to get together soon! text me! i love ya!

Perfect Love