2 Years

In less than two days, it has been two years since I last spoke to my best friend and the love of my life. It amazes me that I can not even remember what I ate for lunch today, but I remember that day so clearly. It is almost frozen in time. I know that God had this planned for us long before we even knew each other, and I am so glad that he did. Patrick always said that if the bad things did not happen in our lives we would not have ended up together. I believe with my whole heart that God's plan was fulfilled through Patrick and I. I spend so much time trying to figure out what it was and my guess is that I never will. I now want to only focus on the good that Patrick brought to my life and let go of the rest. He is gone and even though some days it sucks so bad I want to scream as loud as I can, it will not do any good. The only thing that I can do now is focus on my future and pray that when my time comes that God will say, "Well done my Child." I want to see Patrick's smiling face when I wake up in eternity. I want to sit and laugh and talk forever. I wonder if I will tell him that he has told me that story a 1000 times. LOL I have lived with such hurt for not being his wife. Dealing with the fact that we had so many hopes and dreams that were never fulfilled. He bought my ring, two years ago today. I don't even want to get into how much that hurts... Really does those things even matter? When I leave this earth I am not taking my last name, my wedding ring, my house, etc... The only thing I am taking is myself. Who I am inside this shell:) I will finally be free to be the person I am and have always been but only few truly know. Do we really look inside to see the person staring back at us? I am guilty as most. Do we know what the person right in front of us, is going through? I hope that when you read this you see that time is going by whether we like it or not. We all need to do a self check and see if we are really living a life God would be happy about. Are we serving him or ourselves? Patrick would want me to live life to the fullest. To never be afraid and to keep on pushing through. Patrick was simple and amazing. He was the best friend to everyone and stranger to no one. Two years have passed and his memory lives on forever through all of us that loved him. As Tia says" Mom we don't have to invite Fletch to my birthday he is always here." He even can walk through walls. LOL So as you remember Fletch (Patrick) this weekend or everyday smile because that is what he would want:)

Not a Day Goes By

It's now May and as you can imagine there is not a day that goes by that I don't reflect back on my life with Patrick. I just got finished watching the video Megan posted on facebook of Tia's 5th Birthday and her first day of Preschool. As the tears ran down my face, Tanner looked at me and said if it makes you sad Mom why do you keep watching it over and over again. I replied because I want to hear his voice. The kids as I played it just smiled saying do you hear Fletch mommy? They were so happy! I guess while they are so happy at what blessing he was in our life, I being so very selfish am sad because I feel like me, the kids, Megan, Denise, Mike, etc... have all been cheated out of so much. It is selfish of me, knowing as a mother that our children are not ours they belong to God. This life is not forever, heaven is... Trust me I believe that but it is doesn't always make it easier. I don't know if you have seen Patrick's stone at the cemetery but on it, it says a Measure of a man's life is what he leaves behind. Well you can't measure Patrick's because what he left behind is unmeasurable and that is unconditional love. He took a very broken woman and her four children and gave them happiness that they did not think they would find again. In return, I guess we gave him a family. Life moves forward everyday, but the Memory of Patrick will live on forever through us. This month Megan will graduate from Barr-Reeve and head to USI next year. I know how proud he was of her and the woman that she was growing up to be. He never would have let her know, unless it was a special occasion, but he relied on her as much as she did him. I know that he had big dreams for her and that he wanted her to be happy and live life as he did. Looking back again on the video, I think about how it was taken a week to the day before his wreck and how happy life was. I am glad I didn't know because I think it would have ruined the happiness we shared that week, that day, and the final minutes before God called upon him. As God rejoiced when his Son came home and he repaid him with the promises of eternal life, we sat here and mourned for our loved one. It hurts today as it did 8 months ago, but in the end when we are with him again this sorrow will diminished and we will rejoice with him and the Lord. I love you Patrick!

FEBRUARY

Well, it is the great month of February! YAY. I guess. I remember a year ago, I went out to California over Super Bowl weekend. I got to spend four wonderful nights with my awesome cousin Josh. It was a much needed weekend away and to my surprise it was life changing. I did not tell anyone that I was going not even Josh until 10 on Thursday night when I drove to Indy in a snow storm. I got to Cali the next morning really excite but nervous at the same time. I was a small town girl in a great big world. The first night out, Josh and I took a picture outside of a club and send it to Fletch saying guess where I am... He could not believe that I went. In the next text, I jokingly said, Will you marry me? He replied back NO! We laughed about that for the longest time. I did not know that when I came home, I would start dating the man of my dreams. Needless to say, I left a lot of things out in Cali and began a lot of new things at home. I don't know if Josh ever realized that this weekend with him was life-changing. When I came home, Josh ended up coming home too for a whole month. He was a recruiter in Bedford. Fletch, Josh, and I spent many nights hanging out in Montgomery at the old house. We had so much fun, but I think the most memorable was the night Josh played guitar and Fletch sang. I do not know if they ever completed a whole song but I loved it. The boys basketball sectional was played at Loogootee on his birthday February 26Th and I sent him birthday wished on his phone. He replied back very excited that I remembered. Anyone that knows me, knows that this alone is a miracle. We spent his birthday partying at the old house and I even tried to feed him moldy cake. He said that his mom had got him a cake and that he loved red velvet. I don't remember if that was a night with electricity, with the TV on the counter, strobe lights , disco ball, or the Creed video on the big screen but I do remember hanging out with my two best friends Josh and Fletch. I still didn't know that I would fall in love with Fletch but I knew that I was now seeing him as more than a party boy. He was very responsible! Every time everyone would leave, he would stay to make sure everything was put up and that everyone was where they were suppose to be. I remember his late night motorcycle ride and how it scared the heck out of me, but boy did he love that bike. It was his baby girl for the time being, but that was all about to change. So looking back on last February and looking forward to this one is somewhat the same. I am again lost, but have hope. I know that this year, he will not turn another year older. He will forever be Bobbi's Young Gun. LOL It took a long time, for my family to get his true age out of me and now I am not worried or ashamed to say Fletch was and forever will be 22 years old. He was a man wiser than his years and the kind of person that most of us only wish to be. He took my hand not worrying what others thought, he took my heart not worrying about what could happen, and he took our lives and joined them into one family. February is the month of love and on Valentine's Day I want you all to know that I love each and everyone of you. This month not only symbolized love, Fletch's birthday, and our beginning it represents true love that never ends. The love that was unselfish, perfect, pure, and undying. My love for him has not died but continues to grow everyday.
Tomorrow is Megan's Homecoming game and I am so excited. I sometimes look at her and can see him. She will laugh and I can hear him. I know just like him, she will do great things with her life and have a positive impact on people's lives just like he did mine. She also has her final sectional tournament next week. They play W.C. on Tuesday and I wish her and her team a wonderful run during this tournament time.
Bobbi is home and I do not get to see her as much as I should, but her just being home is a miracle itself. She has came a long way and still has a long way ahead of her... So please continue to pray for her and her family.
Well I hope everyone has a very blessed February and I will try to write more soon!~
GOD BLESS
TARA

SNOW SNOW and MORE SNOW

Well today is the second snow day for Loogootee and my kids are about to go crazy... They are so active and like myself want to get out in the snow and make a mess... I miss those days of living in Montgomery and sledding and doing all those fun winter things. It is so sad that Fletch and I never got to experience winter and sledding together. I know that we would have had a blast because we were both always up for anything. This week is going to be crazy anyways. Megan has Senior Night tomorrow night and is a Homecoming Queen Candidate on Friday. I am wondering if we will even be back in school by then. Megan's dress is gorgeous and I am so excited to see her. She is already a queen in my eyes and in her brothers. Heck she would look good in anything. The dress will not make her but she will make the dress. Have I told you how much I love her? She is an amazing girl. Have I told you that I am extremely bored... HA I am thinking about driving to see my oldest daughter Adara's house and play the Wii. She has four weeks till baby Aryah will be here. Patrick would be so proud to see Adara as a momma. I know she thinks this pregnancy will never end but it will be over before she knows it and then the fun begins.. LOL My sister Bobbi is home and doing better everyday. She looks so good and I am so proud of her! My life is pretty much the same. I can't wait to get out of this house and move on with my life, but I just have not figured out what direction I need to go. The four kids are doing great. Trey has been having alot of melt downs lately crying for Fletch and missing his dad. He even made the comment that Fletch was his only friend and the only person who truly loved him. So I am trying to give him more attention and have talks daily with him. I am so lonely and hate not having someone to share things with but I am sure that I will fine. I know that I will never find another Fletch and I am ok with that too. Well I hope that everyone is having a great snow day... Keep warm.
Love ya, Tara

A NEW YEAR!!!

Hello 2009~ I spent New Year's Eve with Megan and the kids and sadly I must admit we were fast asleep by 12:30. The one thing that I did realize was that I spent the last day of 2008 and the first day of 2009 with the people who truly care about me and love me. New Year's has always been a night to celebrate with your friends. With Patrick gone, I truly felt all alone. I know that I was not alone, but it is just not the same when you don't have anyone to celebrate life with. My friends all have their own families and own life and it is not that they don't care but you reach a certain point in your life where you have other obligations. It is hard to do things with people when they have no idea of what you are going through and without knowing it they break your heart. I sit and look at my sisters and their families and it makes me sad. That is what I have wanted my whole life is a family. I don't want money or anything that money can buy. I want the thing that no amount of money can buy. I don't mind having a life of chaos but it is just so sad when you have nobody to share the moments with. The kids will still do something silly and I will pick up the phone to call Patrick. Every once in awhile I will leave him a voicemail just because I feel like I am talking to him. I wonder at times, if he sees us. If he is watching us from heaven. I know that when I am sitting alone and the tears roll down my face that I don't think God would let him see me hurt that way. If he was watching, it would break his heart not to be with us. Each day he is gone, it is more evident of what a wonderful man he was. He was so selfless and pure. He did not give into to the world he followed his heart. He was a true Christian. He did not have to talk the talk because he walked the walk. My goal is to be more like him, to give each day and love each day and to live life to the fullest. It was sad to see a year gone and a new year start without him. I do know that 2008 even with all of the heartache was an awesome year. I met and fell in love with the most amazing man. The kind of guy who you only dream of. He made my life and everyone in his life a better place. I just wish that God would somehow fill the void left in my life and in my heart. Don't get me wrong, I truly enjoyed my New Year time with Megan and the kids. It was just heartbreaking knowing that again my dreams had been crushed. I have so much to look forward to and have been blessed by God in so many ways but I just don't know what direction I need to go in. I am overwhelmed by trying to figure out what I need to do with my life. Obviously, life has in no way turned out like I had planned, and trying to figure out God's plan for me is stressful at times. I pray daily and ask him for his guidance in every decision that I make, but I am not a very patient person. I don't know how I would make it without the angels that God has sent me during this difficult time. Denise and Megan make sure each day that I am up and moving and continually remind me of Patrick and our love for one another. Ryan is the angel that I can talk to about anything. His faith, love, and understanding has been a huge blessing. My four kids, are the reason that I wake up every morning and praise the Lord for his blessing. Dez, Rachel, and Hawk drug me out of this house even when I did not want to get out of bed. Carlye will sit on the phone with me for hours even when I know she has a million things to do. My parents, sisters, and brother just put up with all of my crap. (which is very stressful) I will be forever thankful for all of these people that Patrick has brought into my life. I know that they were sent to me for a reason. So many people have given me advice about what I should do or what I have done wrong in the past but this time I am going to be like Patrick and follow my heart because your heart doesn't lie. I hope that everyone has a blessed New Year and that we follow the path that God intends for each one of us... I continue to give God all Glory, Honor, and Praise as I continue this journey here on Earth.
God Bless and I love all of you!

CHRISTMAS FROM HEAVEN

Well everyone, we survived through our first Christmas without Patrick. Can I tell you that I had a pretty good one? Patrick sent me so many angels to help me get through this very sad time. I went to Indy and spent a day with Patrick's Hawkins family and had a really good time. Anytime I can take a road trip with Megan, Denise, and Jack it is a fun time... On Christmas Eve, we attended mass at St. Peter's and it was absolutely beautiful. It was difficult for me because that is the church and mass that Todd and I took the children to each year, and it was another reminder that Patrick was celebrating Christmas with Jesus this year. I looked at Trey as he began to cry and it was all she wrote for me. Trey not only spent another Christmas without his dad but now had to deal with yet another loss. Trey is very sensitive and when he knows that my heart is broken it is very hard on him. I know it is on all of them but we all deal with it very differently. After church, we came back to my house and opened gifts and of course ate. The kids had a lot of fun and I had a lot of fun spoiling them. I love to spoil Megan too! This year was a weird Christmas not having all of my sisters, brother, parents and all of our families in this very small house. Heck, the parish hall would be small for our gang. I think it was almost easier on me that way because we had all looked forward to having Patrick witness our Christmas Eve Bash... I know he would have loved it, but I also believe that he was watching over Bobbi and praying for her recovery... Christmas day, I took the kids to Montgomery and spent the day with Denise and the Hawkins family and Delaney family. Well do you know how sometimes your sadness is temporary well that is how my happiness is. I sometimes have a day where the emptiness is bearable but then before you know it the void of your loss overwhelms you again. I am so jealous right now that God gets to talk to him and hold him. I am so hurt that he is not here with me. I know that he is having the most perfect Christmas ever but it still does not take the hurt away. This Christmas I gained a little sister and a great Mother in law. I have a wonderful family, four healthy children, and angel in heaven waiting on me... I hope that everyone had a blessed Christmas and that no matter how different your Christmas was be thankful that you had one...
On a good note Bobbi Sue gets stronger each day! Keep praying for her and her family....

98 DAYS!!!

Hey everyone~ well it has been 98 long days since the day Patrick left my house on his motorcycle never to return home. I figured with the Christmas season quickly approaching it would do me some good to get online and blog some. It is hard to imagine him not being here for Christmas. We had talked so much about how we were going to decorate the tree and had decided it would probably be best if he would just leave and let me do it. LOL He honestly didn't care as long as I only used clear lights. I was looking forward to having a family Christmas again and someone to share the wonderful holidays with. Instead this year, I have spent Christmas making sure that the grave blanket was put on and decorated and talking to Denise about things blowing off his grave. I go out to see him and it just makes me sick. It seems unfair that all of our dreams have been shattered by an accident. I feel like we were both cheated out of a great life full of happiness. I know that Patrick is now in heaven and has happiness beyond our imagination, but for those that were left behind it is a nightmare. The hole left in our hearts makes life sometimes unbearable. Sometimes I do not know how I would go on without my four wonderful children. It is always hectic but I truly enjoy every second of it. I look at them and think of how much they have lost throughout their short lives and how strong they are. They are truly an inspiration to me. Patrick would be so proud of his angels... Megan and Denise have been so wonderful to all of us throughout it all. They are and forever will be our family. On a good note, my sister was moved yesterday to a Rehabilitation Hospital to work on physical therapy and ween off of the trach. I know she is strong and with the continued prayers, I hope she is home really soon... Our family is not the same without her. So please God let her get well soon so she can straighten us all out.... Please continue to pray for all of us during a very difficult holiday season and remember to live your life with no regrets..
Thanks and I love all of you!
Tara